I've been married now for seven years. My husband is an amazing father and husband, and always gives his 110 percent in all he does. But I still seem to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. About two years ago, I began an affair, and my husband found out about 10 months in. Eventually I asked for a divorce, but he wasn't having it. He said he didn't want to give up so easily. Now we're working on our marriage and things are going well aside from the fact that I have continued the affair. I've tried on several occasions to stop but always end up giving in. I don't know how to handle this. We also have four children. I'm so confused. I do love and appreciate him, but still have an emptiness that he can't seem to fill.
It sounds like you were faced with a decision: Break up or make up. And you didn't really choose either. By working on the marriage and cheating on your husband, you haven't really committed either way. Now you've got to decide what you really want. Because if you keep cheating on him, he's not going to take it forever, and soon you're not going to have a choice. If this blows up in your face, adultery could adversely affect the Settlement that results from an acrimonious divorce. Legal issues aside, a revealed affair could really shake up your relationship with your kids.
Maybe you desperately need to divorce, figure out how to co-parent your four children, and move on with your life. Maybe you're just plain unsatisfied with your husband and the difficulty of a divorce will be worth the life you find after marriage. Or maybe there's some other cause for your unhappiness.
I don't know what you should do, but I'll try to help you think through it. You say you're "unhappy and unfulfilled," but I can't tell why. Is it your husband, who you say is "an amazing father and husband" and treats you well? He could be a great guy but wrong for you — even if you have made a family with four children together. Or is it something else?
Remember too that a messy, difficult relationship can eclipse more fundamental, individual problems, and it can be difficult to separate the two. So I'll gently suggest that you think about how much of your unhappiness is due to your husband, how much might be due to some more individual issue — and how much your unhappiness may be exacerbated by the stress of maintaining this affair. The thing is: Your husband is not really why you're cheating, is he? He's not making you cheat. You have to take responsibility for that choice and think about how cheating might be making you less present in your relationship, and how to do the real work repairing your marriage requires.
Do you feel empty because you've fallen out of love with him and know, deep down, that the relationship has run its course? Or is there another cause — depression, anxiety, personal demons — for your unhappiness? For your cheating?
Sometimes, another person really can make us miserable. But one of the scariest things about life is that, sometimes, nobody's to blame for the dark times and empty feelings. We can get stuck in ruts without knowing why, and sometimes there is no reason at all. Regardless, when we go looking for a cause for our unhappiness, we often blame it on the person closest to us, no matter how much they care for us, even if, sometimes, there's no guilty party or easy fix. Sometimes, life is just brutally hard, especially when you've got four kids to raise.
My only practical advice for you is to think deeply about yourself — not as an unhappy wife, but as a woman. (I hope you're also talking this through with good friends and family, or a therapist.) Put the marriage and husband aside for a second. Sit with yourself. You say you "have an emptiness that he can't seem to fill." I suppose it's a scary thought, but it's at least worth asking: Can anyone but you fill that emptiness?
You don't have to be mean to get him to clean, but if his scent overpowers, tell him he must shower. Say, "Honey, when I go down on you, it's hotter when you smell fresh and clean."
You don't have to wrinkle your nose and tell him he's nasty to get your point across. Stress what turns you on (cleanliness) and he'll understand the implication of what turns you off (nasty-ass junk). A gentle nudge and a bar of soap should do it. Warm, damp environments breed bacteria, so tell him to dry off well — and maybe even show him this to keeping your junk odor-free.
It will be awkward, but the conversation will pass. If he knows that bathing properly will lead to more sex, my guess is he'll be inspired to keep himself squeaky clean. Finally, on the rare chance that a shower isn't enough, tell him to visit his doctor: It could be a bacterial infection, or even a symptom of an STI.
Tags:Cheat!ng
Do you feel empty because you've fallen out of love with him and know, deep down, that the relationship has run its course? Or is there another cause — depression, anxiety, personal demons — for your unhappiness? For your cheating?
Sometimes, another person really can make us miserable. But one of the scariest things about life is that, sometimes, nobody's to blame for the dark times and empty feelings. We can get stuck in ruts without knowing why, and sometimes there is no reason at all. Regardless, when we go looking for a cause for our unhappiness, we often blame it on the person closest to us, no matter how much they care for us, even if, sometimes, there's no guilty party or easy fix. Sometimes, life is just brutally hard, especially when you've got four kids to raise.
My only practical advice for you is to think deeply about yourself — not as an unhappy wife, but as a woman. (I hope you're also talking this through with good friends and family, or a therapist.) Put the marriage and husband aside for a second. Sit with yourself. You say you "have an emptiness that he can't seem to fill." I suppose it's a scary thought, but it's at least worth asking: Can anyone but you fill that emptiness?
You don't have to be mean to get him to clean, but if his scent overpowers, tell him he must shower. Say, "Honey, when I go down on you, it's hotter when you smell fresh and clean."
You don't have to wrinkle your nose and tell him he's nasty to get your point across. Stress what turns you on (cleanliness) and he'll understand the implication of what turns you off (nasty-ass junk). A gentle nudge and a bar of soap should do it. Warm, damp environments breed bacteria, so tell him to dry off well — and maybe even show him this to keeping your junk odor-free.
It will be awkward, but the conversation will pass. If he knows that bathing properly will lead to more sex, my guess is he'll be inspired to keep himself squeaky clean. Finally, on the rare chance that a shower isn't enough, tell him to visit his doctor: It could be a bacterial infection, or even a symptom of an STI.
Tags:Cheat!ng
